Depression and the discipline of just showing up

I have said before that improv is not therapy*, but it can be therapeutic.

I got hit hard by depression and anxiety about a year into practicing improv. My playing wasn't stellar during that time, because I was so full of self-judgment that it was hard to have fun. I thought about quitting.

My counselor suggested I show up and pretend to have fun, just for a few minutes at a time. Did it fix everything? No, but it got me through practice that night.

As I healed up, pretending to have fun turned into really having fun. I'm not sure which came first, really.

Doing this in improv helped me to do it at church. While I was depressed, it was pretty hard for me to connect with other people, much less with God. I couldn't focus to read the Bible. But I could show up at church, and I could be present while other people read Scripture, and sometimes I could join in the prayers or the Creed with my mouth if not with my heart. I don't remember exactly when pretending to say the Lord's Prayer turned into praying the Lord's Prayer.

Just showing up at improv practice overflowed into just showing up at church. I couldn't muster the emotional energy to sincerely pray the Lord's Prayer, but I could still recite it. Somewhere along the way, pretending to pray in church turned into praying in church.

Even if you're dealing with something emotionally crippling, the discipline of showing up is hugely helpful.

For me, it was also helpful to practice focusing on other people, just for a few minutes, just for this scene. And then just for another few minutes, just for one more scene. My scenes were probably not awesome. That's ok.

My troupe and my church both had grace for me, which encouraged me to have some for myself.**


*OH MY GOSH IMPROV IS NOT THERAPY. 

**If you're depressed and are in a church or friend group that is less gracious than mine was, I highly recommend the book Darkness Is My Only Companion, as well as the chapter of Good News for Anxious Christians entitled, "Why You Don't Always Have To Experience Joy."